Ok, one can say that i am not the society but this is not true because my well being came explicitely from the fact that my grand parents my parents were and me also i has been a decent memeber of this society even without identifying this conflict between the current general way of living and the morally correct behaviour in a universal sense. I would have some excuses if i had seen this contradiction since my early adulthood and i had tried to think out something to resolve it but i didn't even caught the point and now i am here, 61,5 years old and with a corrupted life left behind. Ok i took care of some Ukrainian refugees in the past 1,5 years i took some tattoos and not for beauty but mainly to send a message through them and did few more attempts to get out of the shame but i see already that what i did is not comparable of what i didn't do. If you think that your case is similar and i implicitely blame you too, you are not right at all. These things are not for ladies to percieve - we men are responsable for our faults - we men should have been more attentive not you - ladies, your life part is completely different.
Ewelina i am crying so much nowdays and so few people understand why. I don't know if you understand anything from this but if you said that "yes a little i understand" it would be a big relief. I really don't know how to get out from this trap but i have the firm decision that i'd like to somehow. My children don't understand this at all either but i have already accepted their reaction - it is my fault that they don't see this well now. I still keep my plan to go to Ukraine but i cannot before making few people understand this - who afterwards will act accordingly at least they get aware of what is happening and start seriously searching for efficient ways out. Which is very difficult but Luca the painter lady is an excellent example that it is still possible. You should gently grow up your children but it would be good to involve them also in the comprehension of these things (according to their age - of course) because they will find themselves among the harsh circumstances - much more than us - and they should get prepared for them a lot now so that they could resist well where things turn to plainly bad. However it's not much you but their father who should take this point - as i said it's a man's task...